Cartman begins
by Cartmanez
Summary: Cartman suddenly changes his usual behavior. What a reason: is there new artful plan? Or love? Or something else?
1. Chapter 1: Bus stop

**Bus ****stop****. **

_Stan, Kyle and Kenny are bored; the__n Cartman appears. _

**Kyle:** Hello, fatso.

**Stan:** You look so bad today.

**Eric:** Hello, boys. Poor sleep at night.

**Kyle:** Apparently there was so much chicken skin again?

**Stan:** Yeah, you sort of lost weight.

**Kyle:** Yes, a dozen or so pounds - but still not noticeable.

_Stan, Kyle and Kenny laugh. _

**Eric:** Boys, you are so funny...

**Stan:** It is strange, what's happen with Cartman?

**Kyle:** He is so polite.

**Eric:** You are, of course, funny, but your stupid jokes already got bored.

**Stan: **Yeah, before he would have offered you shut up your jewish mouth.

**Kenny:** Maybe he is evil Cartman from a parallel universe?

**Kyle:** No, unlike. He was smart.

**Eric:** Shut up your jewish mouth!

**Stan:** No, it's our Cartman - exactly.

**Eric:** Boys, do you have homework in math?

**Kyle: **But now he is unlike again.

**Eric:** Kyle, I'm kind of question asked.

**Kyle:** You are stupid ass. Firstly, I do not do homework, and secondly, even if I did, I would not give it to you, because I hate you.

**Eric:** Why?

**Kyle:** Because you're racist and anti-Semite.

**Eric:** No, why do you not do homework?

**Kyle:** Because my mother is Sheila Broflovski. If get a "D-" for non-homework - she organizes all over South Park campaign for the dismiss of Mr. Garrison, then - all over the Colorado campaign to abolish homework, then all the United States - a campaign to abolish ratings.

**Stan:** It is terrible to even suggest what she would do upon arriving at the rostrum of the UN.

**Eric:** Yes, it is evident – she will be pounding by his shoe on the podium and promise to make it hot for everyone.

**Kyle **(_incredulously_): How do you know?

**Eric:** I saw on TV - there some bald guy plays her.

**Kenny:** He was Nikita Khrushev, stupid ass!

**Eric:** No matter - I'm not going to remember the actors of the secondary roles. Bruce Willis is still steeper - and too bald.

**Kyle:** Cartman, you're a fool.

**Eric **(suddenly seriously): I know, Kyle. But remember my words - this will change very soon, and most radically.

**Stan:** What's with him?

**Kyle:** Maybe overeat?

**Stan:** And not have enough sleep?

**Kenny:** Or not have enough eat and sleep over?

_General __laugh._

**Stan:** There are no girls who could like such fatass.

**Eric:** We'll see.


	2. Chapter 2: Bus

**Bus. **

**Eric:** Hey, Butters!

**Butters:** Hey, Eric! How's life?

**Eric:** Do you do homework in math?

**Butters:** Partially.

**Eric:** Could you explain to me how to solve problems?

**Butters:** You want me to teach you? Cool! Teacher Mr. Batterson is ready to undertake the job! (_Wraps his hand in a handkerchief_) Hello, children. Say hello to Mr. Shawl.

**Eric:** I'll go nuts.

**Mr. Shawl** (_for which the Butters speaks by finicky repulsive voice_): Listen carefully, fat!

**Eric:** What did you say?

**Butters:** Mr. Shawl, don't do this!

**Mr. Shawl:** Kids just become naughty - they should be spanked! Go on, Mr. Batterson.

**Butters:** At today's mathematics lesson I'll tell you about my difficult childhood – and together we'll count how many times my father punished me for anything. Oh, those were hard times!

**Mr S****hawl:** It is because of your father is a pathological sadist and a pervert.

_Butters fearfully silent. The bus goes shaking with laughter._

**Eric:** I would not advise you to continue.

**Butters:** Why?

**Eric:** You'll become the same fag as Mr. Garrison.

**Butters:** Oh, no!

**Eric:** Just give me a notebook – I'll sort it out myself.


	3. Chapter 3: School hall

**School hall. **

_Wendy is rummaging in her closet, Cartman appears. _

**Eric:** Hi, Wendy.

**Wendy:** Do not call me a bitch, you fat ... What did you say?

**Eric**: I said: "Hi, Wendy."

**Wendy:** E-uh ... Hello, Cartman.

**Eric:** Wendy, do you do homework in math?

**Wendy: **Of course. But I don't let you to copy off!

**Eric:** Hey, I did not ask to copy off! I would be very grateful to you if you explained how to solve a few problems - because decision is not evident for me for some reason.

**Wendy:** Maybe because you're lazy, stupid and heartless racist?

**Eric:** Maybe.

**Wendy:** Something strange happens ... Eric Cartman, whom I knew, in response to this would call me a bitch and screw me.

**Eric:** And then I would not gain your help.

**Wendy:** You manage without my help in any case. I'm not going to help you!

**Eric:** Well, all right. I'll sort it out myself. Screw you!


	4. Chapter 4: Start the lesson

**Start ****the ****lesson****. **

**Mr. Garrison:** Hello, children. Say hello to Mr. Hat.

**Eric:** This moronic puppet show fed up seriously.

**Mr. Hat** (_for which the Mr. Garrison speaks by finicky repulsive voice_): Listen carefully, fat!

**Eric****:** Fuck you!

**Mr. Garrison:** Eric, choose expressions! Mr. Hat, don't do this!

**Mr. Hat:** Kids just become naughty - they should be spanked! Go on, Mr. Garrison.

**Mr. Garrison:** How do we begin, Mr. Hat?

**Mr. Hat:** With my favorite classes - check homework. Come quickly - notebooks on the table! Who has not done that, I will punish! Yeah, Butters - you did not do homework!

**Butters:** But I'm almost done, I swear! Only one problem was too complicated, that's not resolved ...

**Mr. Hat:** Almost does not count, Butters. You'll have to leave again after school and again to be punished.

**Butters **(_sadly_): Ahhh shit.

**Eric **(_loudly_): Mr. Garrison! Leave Butters alone, why do you always bother with him? Because he can't fight his way out of a paper bag?

**Stan:** Fat ass seems to be in troubles now.

**Kyle:** He looks like it got hard.

**Kenny: **Now he'll be fucked instead of Butters. I would not want to be in his place.

**Wendy:** Does Eric Cartman intervene for someone? The bottom seemed to have been knocked out of our world.

**Mr. Hat:** Well-well, Eric Cartman! Are you so brave, because once again you forgot the notebook with "completely solved problems" at home?

**Eric: **No, Mr. Garrison. Here it is.

**Mr. Hat:** I talk to you, not Mr. Garrison!

**Mr. Garrison:** Eric, get in touch with Mr. Hat!

**Eric:** I'm not in kindergarten, to talk to puppets.

**Mr. Garrison:** What did you say? How about visiting a school psychologist?

**Eric:** Did I talk to puppets? It seems that a psychologist does not need to me but to someone else.

**Mr. Garrison:** You are the absolute edge! Get out of class!

**Eric:** With pleasure. Because to see at this puppet theater is no longer any force, and participate in it - and even more (_Picks up a backpack and walks to the exit_)

**Mr. Hat:** And now we will continue ... continue ... (_pauses_)

**Mr. Garrison** (_unsuccessfully shakes him_): Mr. Hat, tell me anything! Oh no! You're a puppet, just a puppet! What should I do? (_Opens the door and yelling_) Eric Cartman, I hate you!

**Voice of Eric:** First of all sign up, you fool.


	5. Chapter 5: School hall

**Change. ****School hall. **

_Eric is reading a textbook and writes something in a notebook. Wendy__ appears. _

**Wendy:** Eric!

**Eric:** Yeah?

**Wendy:** Listen, your interceding for Butters was very noble of you.

**Eric:** There is nothing noble - I simply had to leave the lesson, and I left. And Butters was merely used as an excuse.

**Wendy** (_blushing_): What are you selfish, egocentric, narcissistic son of a bitch!

**Eric** (_shrugging_): I just do not try to look better than I am in fact. I am such as I am, without gap between the visible and existent.

**Wendy** (_was about to leave, but suddenly stopped_): I did not expect to hear this from you. In my opinion, you do not even know such words.

**Eric:** You do not know about me a lot, Wendy. So get ready for surprises.

**Wendy:** I'm not going to know! You do not much need for me!

**Eric** (_burying oneself in a book_): What is typical, I do not impose on anyone.

**Wendy **(_again going out, and stops again_): Cartman, why do you have to leave the lesson?

**Eric:** It's a long story.

**Wendy:** I'm not in a hurry.

**Eric:** First of all - all in the class are afraid of Mr. Garrison. Except Kyle, because of his Jewish mother - but that's another story.

**Wendy:** I'm not afraid of him!

**Eric:** You do afraid, Wendy. Can not recognize, but at heart it is. And anyone afraid of him, because he has power to give the marks. And poor marks will close the road to a normal college - and all. Completely. That is why even you, the most intelligent in our class, do not take risks to speak in defense of those over whom this old fag mocks.

**Wendy:** You son of a bitch, Cartman ... But you're right. I hate it when you are right!

**Eric:** And fighting with him on equal footing is possible if you can solve any problem that this puppeteer is able to offer. I still do not reach this level. So I prefer to do mathematics, instead of sitting in class and listen to stories about the homoerotic adventures of this pervert. And I can not watch as he revels in his power.

**Wendy** (_skeptical_): And how much time do you need to achieve the level of teacher's knowledge?

**Eric:** It depends on teacher's type. To achieve the level of a university professor - the decade, teachers college - years, and the level of Mr. Garrison, I'm going to achieve for two ... no, even for one and a half day.

**Wendy:** So fast?

**Eric:** Wendy, he is inherently full of stupid. This is not as difficult as it seems.

**Wendy:** So that's why did you ask me just explain solution?

**Eric:** Yes. But to ask you about something is the same as ask a pig to fly.

**Wendy** (_obeying a sudden impulse_): If you want, I can help you.

**Eric:** It would be great. But it's time for a lesson!

**Wendy:** I'll miss it.

**Eric:** No! I do not recognize you, Wendy. You've always been so exemplary ...

**Wendy:** You do not know about me a lot, Eric. So get ready for surprises.

**Eric:** I hope they will be enjoyable.

**Wendy:** That's as succeed. Come on, make me some place.

**Eric:** Wendy, what are you doing?

**Wendy:** There is only one chair, so that will have to share it with me.

**Eric:** If you insist ...

**Wendy:** Hold me, that I not fall. So, this problem is solved as follows ...

**Shortly. **

**Eric: **I understand! Great!

**Wendy:** We check. Solve that's the challenge.

**Eric:** Yes, without problems. (_Fast writes_)

**Wendy:** Well done. Eric, if you pay attention to studies, you would become the best pupil in the class.

**Eric: **I'm working on it.

**Stan** (_suddenly appearing_): Damn, what's going on here?

**Eric:** We do math, do not bother.

**Stan** (_angrily_): I see what you're doing - hugs, not mathematics!

**Wendy:** Cartman, I hate you! Because of you we quarrel with Stan.

**Eric****:** Don't you ever get mad, I'm gonna have everything settled down.

**Wendy:** Yeah try - otherwise, I no longer speak with you.

**Eric:** Give me thirty seconds. (_Whispers in her ear_) and he will apologizes to you.

**Wendy:** Time went.

**Eric:** Yes, without problems. (_to Stan_) Dude, let's back into two words. (_Wrap around the corner_).

**Stan **(_grabbing of Cartman's jacket_): What are you doing? You are leading my girl!

**Eric****:** Open your eyes, you idiot! Look at me! Do you seriously believe that I can lead someone? Do you want to say that Wendy likes me more than she likes you - the captain of the football team and one of the prettiest boys in class?

**Stan:** No, of course.

**Eric:** So what the hell do you accuse Wendy? Your assumption that she likes me - just insulting! Do you think that she likes ugly, fat and smelly boys? You've got her so upset that I would not be surprised if she deserts you...

**Stan:** Damn, dude... (_rushes to Wendy_) Excuse me! I've been stupid, blaming you. I won't do it again! Please, tell me, that you forgive me!

**Wendy:** Well, I forgive you.

_Stan rushes to embrace her. Cartman winks__ her behind Stan, Wendy stealthily shows him the thumb._


	6. Chapter 6: Start the lesson

**Next**** day. Start the lesson. **

**Mr. Garrison:** Hello, children. Prepare your homeworks.

**Kyle**: Where is Mr. Hat?

**Mr. Garrison:** In the hospital. He became ill yesterday in class because of one ill-mannered fat boy.

_Cartman calmly leafing through the book._

**Mr. Garrison:** And now that fat boy gets an "F" for non-homework.

**Eric**: I carried it out, Mr. fag.

**Mr. Garrison** (_mincing voice_): Do not call me a fag! I just do not like everyone else!

**Eric**: Do not call me a fat boy. I'm not fat, I'm just big-boned!

_Mr.__ Garrison with a malicious grin takes Cartman's notebook and begins to leaf through it. A smile slowly slipping from his face._

**Mr. Garrison:** You really have done everything, and correctly.

**Kyle**: Yes, he copy off!

**Eric**: Who would have given me to copy off? In this class, there is no such peoples.

**Mr. Garrison:** Thank you, Kyle! You get "A". And you, Eric, you think that copied homework will save you from the "F"?

**Eric**: I did not copied off. Ready to prove.

**Mr. Garrison:** What?

**Eric**: Coming to a board and solving any problem that you suggest.

**Mr. Garrison:** Oh? What, please, please...

_Half an hour later, __Eric stood by calmly scribbled in chalk boards. Mr. Garrison with disheveled hair and mad eyes jumping around._

**Mr. Garrison:** Solve this system of equations!

**Eric** (_in a couple of seconds_): The system has no solutions.

**Mr. Garrison: **Why?

**Eric**: The main determinant is zero.

**Mr. Garrison:** What is it?

**Eric**: Well, Mr. Garrison, is a shame to not know this. Determinant of the matrix is ...

**Mr. Garrison:** Enough! Well, you know math - but we're not done yet! I'll still put your "F"!

**Eric**: Don't knock yourself up. What subject are you interested in? Physics, chemistry, biology?

**Mr. Garrison** (_with a malicious smile_): No, Erik. I am interested in history. Now the curriculum - the works about dictators. So, who wants to write about Hitler?

_Eric__ was silent. Mr. Garrison in shock._

**Mr. Garrison:** Eric, about Hitler! About Adolf Schicklgruber!

**Eric**: Hitler never wore first name Schicklgruber. This was the first name of his father, which he was replaced by a court decision on the name "Hitler" for 4 years before the birth of Adolf.

**Mr. Garrison:** So do you get?

**Eric**: None. I would prefer to talk about another dictator.

**Mr. Garrison: **About whom? About Kim Jong-il? About Mao Zedong? Or Pol Pot?

**Erik** (_with a sigh_): I'm afraid, you know about them even less than that of the Hitler's first name. No, I would prefer to talk about Roosevelt.

**Kyle**: But he was not a dictator!

**Eric**: I can prove that there was.

**Mr. Garrison:** Excellent, just excellent! At the end of the week we'll make up a debate on the topic: "Was Roosevelt dictator or liberal?"

**Eric** (_shrugging_): Well.

**Mr. Garrison:** And Kyle, Stan, Kenny and Wendy will oppose you!

**Eric** (_shrugging_): Well.

**Mr. Garrison:** And when you lose, you get lots of "F"!

**Eric**: But if I win?

**Mr. Garrison:** Then I'll eat my hat!

**Eric**: Mr. Hat?

**Mr. Garrison:** Eric Cartman, I hate you!

**After lessons. **

**Stan**: Guys, what will we do?

**Kyle**: Let's show Terrance and Phillip.

**Eric**: Let's go to the library.

**Stan**: Let's play in football.

**Kenny:** Let us went to the pizzeria.

**Stan**: Kenny, you just have to eat ... What? Who said about the library?

**Eric**: Me. What? Will you read up for debates?

**Stan**: We don't need this. Wendy stands for us - so you have no chance.

**Eric**: We'll see.

**Kyle**: Get ready to defeat, fat ass. And we go to watch TV.

**Eric**: Well, screw you guys, I'm going in the library.


	7. Chapter 7: Library

**Library. **

_Wendy and Cartman read books in different corners of the reading room. Librarian closely watching them._

**Eric:** Wendy! Are you hungry?

**Wendy:** Whatever makes you think so?

**Eric:** I suggest. Am I right?

**Wendy:** Yes, you're right. I hate it when you are right, but there I want eat more than to deny the obvious.

**Eric:** Then I propose to eat a snack. My mother cooked me some delicious sandwiches.

**Librarian**: Hey, it is not allowed here!

**Wendy:** Dining room is closed, and pizzeria is far. So we have to wait.

**Eric:** We do not have to.

**Wendy:** But it is not allowed here!

**Eric:** I'll do something, that make it allowed. If you want, of course, to share with me my modest lunch.

**Wendy:** Don't mind if I do.

**Eric:** Fine.

_Cartman extracts magazine wrapped in a newspaper __from a backpack and show it to the librarian._

**Eric:** Excuse me, please. I found a magazine in the hallway and thought that it could from the library? It looks like a guide to zoology. (_stretches magazine_)

**Librarian** (_opening the magazine_): Take a look ... Oh! Yes it is ... Ah-ah-ah!

**Eric:** Is it from your library? If not, then give it back - I'm going to walk on other libraries.

**Librarian** (_pressing the magazine to his chest_): No! It is our magazine! Our-our, no doubt! Thank you, come back!

_Librarian is hiding in the back room. __The door shut._

**Eric** (_rubbing his hands_): And now we can eat.

**Wendy:** Eric, what did you give him?

**Eric:** Oh, nothing special. (_chokes with laughter_) Magazine of zoo porn!

**Wendy** (_outraged_): Did you find it in the hallway?

**Eric:** No, of course. I honestly bought it in the store.

**Wendy:** Why?

**Eric:** To be able to eat in the library, of course.

**Wendy:** So you knew about ...

**Eric:** About small weakness of our librarians? About this whole school knows. Besides you.

**Wendy:** Will you buy him a porn magazines each time?

**Eric:** No, of course. Repeat the same trick - this is not cool. And too wasteful.

**Wendy:** How are you going to eat in the library tomorrow?

**Eric** (_blithely shrugging_): We'll see. I'll think up something.

**Wendy:** But, people manipulation is bad deal!

**Eric:** Why bad deal? It seems everyone is happy.

_From the back room__ howls of ecstasy are ringing._

**Eric:** Keep sandwich. Now I'll pour the juice.

**Wendy:** Cartman, you are vile and ruthless manipulator, but... (_not constrained and begins to laugh_) But how did you do this librarian - funnier than anything I have ever seen!

**Eric:** Hold on a closer - and you will see something more interesting.

**Wendy** (_sipping from a glass_): Eric! It's grapefruit juice!

**Eric:** Well, yes, my favorite.

**Wendy:** And mine too! How did you know? While there, why I ask ... Just all hate it!

**Eric:** I don't like all. My mother always told me that I am special. And you seem to be special too.

**Wendy:** Thank you, Eric. You sometimes can be quite nice, if you want. Unfortunately, you rarely want to be like that.

**Eric:** Maybe till now I will want to be like that more often.

**Wendy:** That would be great. (_straightens Cartman's earlock_)

**Stan** (_appearing at the door_): What the hell is happening here?

_Kyle, Kenny and Butters behind him stare eyes._

**Eric** (_quietly_): Stan possesses a wonderful gift – to appear inopportunely. I should think something...

**Wendy:** We have lunch.

**Stan**: It is not allowed here! Where is librarian?

**Butters** (_looking under the table_): He is absent on his usual place, (_puts his ear to the back room door_) and there he seems to be absent. Only the poor dog is howling - foot jammed, probably ...

**Eric:** Guys, you've kind of gone to watch Terrance and Phillip show.

**Kyle** (_sadly_): My mother has once again made it ban.

**Eric:** Because of what this time?

**Kyle**: Because of the political incorrectness.

**Wendy:** What?

**Kyle**: Well, who the Terrance and Phillip are? White - first, men - second, not freaks and are not disabled - third ... In addition, they aren't fags, and even aren't bisexual. What a terrible political incorrectness!

**Eric:** Kyle, I always said that your mother ...

**Kyle**: Shut up, Cartman!

**Eric:** Kyle's mom is a big fat stupid...

**Kyle**: I told you not to call my mom a bitch, Cartman!

**Eric:** O-ho. Weeeeeeeeeellll...

**Kyle**: Do not you dare, Cartman!

**Butters**: Oh, Eric, we going to sing his famous song!

**Eric:** Weeeeeeeeeellll...

**Wendy:** Please, don't.

**Eric:** Weeeeeeeeeellll... Well. I will not. Sorry, Kyle.

**Stan**: Did Cartman consider someone opinion?

**Kyle**: Did Cartman apologize to someone?

**Kenny**: The world turned upside down.

**Wendy:** It was upside down before. And now it seems to have a normal position. (_Affectionately looks at Cartman_).

**Butters**: So you wouldn't sing now? What a trash...


	8. Chapter 8: School hall

**Next day. Change. School ****hall. **

_Butters rummaging in his locker, Cartman appears._

**Eric:** Hi, Butters! Do you want to earn 50 bucks?

**Butters** (_firmly_): Eric, I'm not going to suck your balls! And do not ask! (_looking down, shifting uncomfortably from foot to foot._) Sorry, but I can not do this. I hope, you aren't offended?

**Eric** (_holding saggy jaw_): Butters, you're crazy! Did I offer you to do something like this ...

_Butters nods_

**Eric:** ... for the money?

**Butters:** For the money - it seems not.

**Eric:** So what the hell do you impute your fantasy to me?

**Butters:** My parents strictly warned that money in school can be offered only for the most terrible and unnatural things. Papa said that at first I will be ...

_Cartman plugs his ears. After 30 seconds, gently lifts them._

**Butters:** And then my Mom added that they would take a big ...

_Cartman again plugs his ears and opens them only __when the Butters eloquence runs out._

**Butters:** ... And then the real sadism and depravity begins. There is.

**Eric** (_after a pause_): Butters, your parents are crazy.

**Butters:** I know, Eric. I certainly know ...

**Eric:** In general, I'll pay you $ 50 for a day, if you do the following ...


End file.
